Subject: Story Of Broken Marriage, Infighting, & Kicking Each Other
This entire email is composed of 3 parts:
(1) Posting: Story Of Broken Marriage, Infighting, & Kicking Each Other;
(2 Trailer Quote: In Ananda Marga Guru Puja is one Lesson
Each section is demarcated by asterisks (*).
**** Here begins the Prabhat Samgiita ****
Recently, on one rainy dark lunar midnight, a dear friend of mine came to my house in that pitch darkness and knocked on the door. I was surprised he had come but after hearing his voice I brought him inside.
He was visibly shaken - nervous, upset, and worried. We talked at length. I found out that his spouse had beat him. She returned from a friend's wedding reception where she ate some tamasik food. It was quite apparent as onion small was emanating from her mouth. The husband objected. Then they started quarreling. Ultimately he overreacted and verbally accosted her. In his fury he called her nasty names. In turn, she hit him & beat him. He ran away to save his own life. Don't be surprised. But she was a certified karate teacher.
For reasons of privacy we shall refer to the husband as Prakash and the spouse as Renu.
Prakash and I talked for hours that night. I calmed him down. Though I was shocked & surprised to hear since the inception of their marriage they have been quarreling on multiple issues.
This was very astonishing to me because I always thought of theirs as an ideal marriage. I did not realise what was going on behind the scenes. All along I had been telling everyone that their marriage was successful. But now look what happened.
Just to give you a little background, Prakash and Renu were married at DMS - it happened quickly and was nearly forced on them. I also found out that Renu's father gave Dadas a "contribution" of RS 50,000 to arrange the marriage and perform the ceremony. In this way Prakash was bound. In addition, those Dadas praised Renu. But although her parents are good margiis it became clear that Renu herself wanted nothing to do with Ananda Marga.
Before this, it was known that she would eat tamasik food: onion, garlic, meat & eggs when she was with her friends in town. She would eat those things outside the house - never bringing it into her own kitchen.
Anyway, that night when Prakash reached to my house, I clearly understood that they were living in hell. Externally it looked exemplary - but the reality was something quite different.
By this whole story my mind was blown away.
I tried to communicate with other margiis - near and far - about such matters and found that similar things were going on in many cases, but not most. I synthesized all the info and present these points to you to help ensure that such episodes do not happen again & again. Before the boy and girl even marry, something needs to be done to ensure that a mismatched marriage is averted in the future.
Marriage is such an important aspect of our Ananda Marga way of life. Family life plays a critical role on many societal levels so it is important that our Ananda Marga marriages be healthy, vibrant and strong.
However, in our Marga cases do arise where the marriage does not go well. In the case of Prakash and Renu - although they belonged to margiis families and their parents were strong margiis - but as a married couple they did not match. They had different life goals. If they knew this ahead of time they would not have married one another. They married because their parents were margiis, not because they had a shared life vision. They hardly knew each other and Dadas and others were just painting a rosy picture by talking only positives. No one talked about the negative side. If they had known more about each other they would not have married.
This letter contains key guidelines and recommendations for ensuring two people in Ananda Marga have the best opportunity for a proper marriage. Everyone, especially parents and those seeking to get married, should be aware of these following points.
MARRIAGE IS FOR SOCIETY BUILDING
As we all know - first and foremost - our Ananda Marga marriage system is purely for society building. Ananda Marga marriages are for creating a healthy, safe, and inspired environment for raising children in a conscientious manner. The married couple should be confident and ready to contribute to the all around growth of society: individually & collectively, locally & globally etc. Marriage in Ananda Marga means commitment to one another and strict adherence to AM ideals. It is a unique system; this type of universal outlook is not formed in any other marriage system. They must build a proper unit family and embrace the greater universal family. This is our ideal.
It is in no way related with Hindu ritualistic marriages, western materialistic marriages, or any other "marriage system" from around the world. Nor do we follow or appreciate the new western model of "co-habitating" without marriage and living as a libertine. In all such cases, marriages are either based on external beauty, infatuation, money, post or social status, local or religious dogmas. These are the main allurements and aims most of the time.
The following are points all should be aware of when considering marriage - either their own marriage, or a marriage of a family member or friend.
1. Those getting married must firmly know in their mind that an Ananda Marga marriage is a lifelong commitment to one another for society building. The main idea is for both to take care of their progeny and make their children into bonafide members of society. There is no other outlook than this.
2. The two young people - the future husband and spouse - must get ample scope to talk beforehand. They must get the opportunity to get to know one another and decide for themselves if this is a good match. Here it should be clarified that "getting to know one another" does not mean dating or being boyfriend and girlfriend. The boy and girl can get to know one another in a neutral setting. We can all think and decide what that setting should be. It should be supervised, safe, yet private enough that they can talk freely.
a) They should talk about their goals and aims of life. They should frankly discuss what they want. It is not that the parents should decide if this is a good match. They should critically evaluate if they share a similar outlook.
b) The boy and girl should discuss things as basic as: Who will hold an outside job? Who will cook? Who will raise the children? Where will we live? All these basic existential points should be discussed as far as possible. Nothing should be left to assumption; one must not rely on preconceived notions. They both should openly and clearly review and compare their vision for how their life will progress.
Unfortunately, all too often these things are not discussed; and, in result, there is much confusion and disappointment after marrying. What happens next is separation, marriage breaking or even divorce.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN...
Last year, two people married with the false expectation that the other would do all the cooking and cleaning, etc. Both the husband and spouse worked outside the home and neither wanted to attend to any domestic duties. Hence their marriage became a mess because they had the wrong impression from the outset. Today, both of their families are involved daylong in settling their marital disputes.
This is what happens when such matters are not discussed ahead of time.
c) The boy and girl should also talk about their likes and dislikes. Firstly, they should talk about their role in Ananda Marga and their devotional link with Guru. If one is very involved in Ananda Marga and is attracted to sadhana and the other is from a margii family but has zero interest in Ananda Marga, then that marriage is not going to work. So the boy and girl must sincerely talk about their social and spiritual commitment to Ananda Marga ideals and Baba.
I know one margii family where the husband is somewhat dogmatic but the spouse wishes to sincerely practice Ananda Marga teachings. The husband attends Ananda Marga programs as well as other dogmatic religious gatherings and he tries to force his spouse to come to those as well. But she does not like to attend local religious events. This has become a source of tension and strife.
There are some margii marriages where the husband is very sincere in 16 Pts and other do's and don'ts, but the spouse has other interests and ways of living. So she raised the children in her own way, different from Ananda Marga. In result, the husband has become a stranger in his own house. Sometimes he wishes to sing kiirtan out loud, but with fear he does not do. He wants a home based on Ananda Marga socio-cum-spiritual ideals, but something else is going on. If any margii visits, then the spouse is not at all happy.
d) Next the young man and young lady should talk about their own personal likes and dislikes related with everyday life - everything: music, sports, literature, food, movies, friendships, cars, exercise, reading, college or university studies, habits etc. They should get a full picture of one another.
e) As far as possible, the boy and girl should get a clear cut vision of each other's mental outlook. Without that, they definitely should not marry.
The section below demarcated by asterisks is an entirely different topic,
completely unrelated to the above letter. It stands on its own as a point of interest.
"Question: What is pratyáhára?"
"Answer: Pratyáhára is derived: prati – á – hr + ghaiṋ. The word áhára literally means “assimilating” or “taking something within”. As a yogic practice, pratyáhára means “withdrawal of the mind from external objectivity and goading the withdrawn mind toward Parama Puruśa”. (Yoga Psychology, Questions and Answers on Meditation)
"You must bring about a revolutionary change in the flow of your judgment and thought, and see how, after overcoming your fascination with external colour, your mind becomes tinged with the His glorious colour. In Ananda Marga Sadhana, the method of withdrawing the mind from degrading tendencies, and absorbing oneself in the colour of the Great, is called Pratyáhára Yoga (the yoga of withdrawal) or Varńárghyadána (the offering of colours). All people have a particular attraction for one or another object or activity and as soon as they become attracted to an object, then their minds become coloured with the colour of that object. You can withdraw your mind from the colour of that object and dye yourself in His colour by offering Him the captivating colour of the object that has attracted you: this is the real Pratyáhára Yoga. The word Pratyáhára means “to withdraw” – to withdraw the mind from its object." (Subhasita Samgraha - 3, Vibration, Form and Colour)
Note: In Astaunga Yoga, there are 8 limbs - one of which is pratyahara. We practice that as Guru puja as part of our regular sadhana routine. Guru puja is very important. After sadhana, one should always do Guru puja, and Guru puja can also be done on its own. After all, it is a lesson. By this way, one's attachment for mundane things slowly fades away. It is a perfect science. If, after practicing Guru puja, one is unable to get rid of their worldly attachments and / or a particular mental weakness, then best is to consult an acarya. In Senior Acarya Diary, Baba has given a detailed science and method for practicing Guru puja. One should learn how to do this from any acarya, one on one.